This is a really hard post to write but I know once I do it will feel good. Cathartic in fact. This morning at 10:30 my mom and I will meet with Hospice. I cannot believe I am even typing this, that this is my life right now.
My dad is dying. Ugh, I said it. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type. I’m no crier either but this. This has brought the tears. They don’t stop. In fact I ripped a contact lens crying. But I’m a klutz and at time a bull in a china shop so if anyone if going to tear her contact lens crying it’s this girl. The girl whose heart belongs to daddy.
Here’s what has happened. My dad was diagnosed some years ago with Interstitial Lung Disease. In the last few months it has gotten so much worse. Last week he was admitted to the hospital and there he remains. His pulmonary doctor told my mom and dad if he makes it to Christmas we better make it a good Christmas. Lump in my throat.
I have been a bit of a wreck the last week. Not because I am worried. Because I am sad. I may be 50 years old but I still need my dad. The other part of this that is hard is thinking of my mom. They’ve been married 56 years and you don’t see one without the other. She’ll be lonely. We all will. My dad brings joy and laughter to our lives. He is witty and never met a stranger.
Even as he lies in his hospital bed, DNR signed, and ready to go he is making people laugh and entertaining them. He tells us not to be sad, how can we not be? To know my dad is to love him. This I know because as I share the news with friends they cry, they are sad too.
This is the circle of life; the way things are supposed to be. Children bury their parents. It happens every day, I am not the first person to deal with impending grief. On that note I will say, however, that there is nothing like this. I walk around with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach. Almost 10 years ago my brother was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive form of cancer. That was hard too. After many, many months of treatment and lying in a hospital bed he slowly recovered. Watching my parents go through that was very difficult. This they are handling like pros.
I am trying. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am allowing myself to cry and to be sad. I feel exhausted – grief is tiring. Yet, I am waking up and working out because I have to do something to relieve the stress and maintain some type of normalcy. I am grateful I have my new job that allows me to work from a remote location if needed, like the hospital or my parents house.
The blog is a good thing – it gets my mind off things and allows me to connect with others and share in their joys. Sadly I had to cancel my shopping trip with Kim on Saturday but she understood. I have reached out to several of my blogging buddies to share what’s going on. Prayers have been offered and accepted and they provide a great deal of strength and comfort. So for now I am planning to continue my normal, everyday routine but I felt this needed to be shared. We are never alone; there is always someone dealing with a difficult situation. I like to think we draw strength from one another. Sharing this helps me and who knows, maybe it will help someone else too.
Thanks for reading friends!