How to Handle Constructive Criticism Without Feeling Attacked or Upset

Thanks for joining me to day for another mental health Monday! Today I’ve got a topic to share that is near and dear to my heart as of late – and I think you can relate to as well. How to handle constructive criticism without feeling attacked or upset.

Handling Constructive Criticism without feeling attacked or upset

How to Handle Constructive Criticism Without Feeling Attacked or Upset

First things first. What exactly is constructive criticism? The word constructive sounds good, right? It’s positive in nature. But then there’s the word criticism. With all of its negative connotations it’s hard to imagine anything good coming from it. Like jumbo shrimp, constructive criticism seems an oxymoron. Are you like me and when someone asks if they can offer some ‘constructive criticism’ do you feel your gut tighten? Almost like you’re bracing yourself for what’s to come? I’ve got some tips to help you come out of this with your self esteem and self worth in tact!

I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor since 1997. I do not currently practice as I work in school counseling but I’ll never let my license expire. My Monday posts have a little more of a mental health theme designed to help you think a little differently. While I am certainly not dispensing advice or treatment, I do hope these posts help you. Initially I started blogging as a creative outlet and as a way to empower women in midlife and beyond to dress and feel like the best version of themselves everyday. I have come to realize that a big part of that is how we feel about life circumstances. Hence the reason for these posts!

Tips for Handling Constructive Criticism

I believe that anyone who is truly trying to build you up and offer constructive criticism will do this: they will share what needs work as well as what you’re doing right. Constructive criticism should never be focused on the negative exclusively.

My tip here is that IF you are in a situation where someone is providing what they deem constructive criticism and they fail to mention a positive that you ask. That’s right ask: what did you like? What went well? I’ve been on the receiving end of only hearing what was wrong with my Instagram and it really hurt. This came from a good friend who happened to be with some BIG accounts. When she mentioned to them that I was struggling they were quick to take a look at my TikTok and IG and provide ‘constructive criticism’ – unfortunately what was reported back to me was only the negative. Nothing positive and that sure hurt. Even the friend who shared it with me didn’t bother to soften the blow and that hurt too. Looking back I should have asked: did they say they actually liked anything? At the time I did not and now I know better.

Another tip I have is that you break it down. What is it that is actually being critiqued? Is it a personal attack or is it a behavior, clothes you wear, etc.? I do not believe constructive criticism should ever be a personal attack. If it is, it’s not constructive. For example, if the criticism focuses on some aspect of yourself that cannot be changed – your height or your eye color – then it’s not constructive. It’s just criticism, or maybe just plain mean.

Our initial reaction may be one of defense. You might want to lash out and respond to the person. But I beg you stop and think and break it down. Honestly, I know NO ONE who actually feels better when they lash out at someone who has hurt them. It only serves to escalate the negativity.

Remember that what you focus on you get more of; so if you fight back and perpetuate the negativity it will grow.

As I always say, we control how we respond. We do in these situations too. We can choose to take things personally or not. We CAN choose to allow interactions like these to ruin our day, our mood, etc. Or we can choose to examine, ponder, and then place it where it belongs. We either learn from the experience or we’re hurt. If you find yourself feeling hurt then I suggest you do not ask for feedback from this person or group of people again. I learned my lesson and will not ask my friend again. I know her intention was not to hurt me but and she did say after she told me “well you asked for feedback” – and she was right I did. Just because I would have never shared the feedback with her the way she did with me doesn’t make it wrong, that’s her way and I cannot control it.

If you expect everyone to treat you the way you treat them, you will be disappointed.

Let’s Get Personal

I put my money where my mouth is with this one recently and since it’s so fresh this is a great time to share it with you. While we were away, on our fabulous weekend trip to St. Augustine and I was having hands down one of the happiest times with my people I got an upsetting email.

One of my sweet friends sent me an email asking if I’d seen this. No, I had not and I responded to her that I hadn’t and wished I never had. It hurt. No one wants to see their picture used this way. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and the wind knocked out of me. I was embarrassed and hurt. I watched it several times and came to some conclusions. This person is not someone I follow but she calls herself a stylist and was not only using me but other over 50 ladies to share ways to make the outfits better. She didn’t personally attack me – so no need to feel hurt. Also? I was in my happy place and it was going to be up to me to make sure I didn’t allow something like this to spoil it. For reference, I would still wear this top and skirt together but I would wear different shoes and change my accessories. This stylist is not someone I know or care about – her opinion means nothing to me so why let this bother me? Would a post like this mean the end of my career as an Influencer? No. The other ladies in the video are much bigger accounts than me so in a way it was kind of an honor to appear with them! Ha!! I decided to get on with my happy weekend and let this go.

What I learned: stop checking my email – ha!!! I wished I hadn’t honestly, there was no reason to it’s just a habit. I’ve also learned that when I say it’s not my business what others think of me, I mean it. But I’ve also learned that the tips above helped me. In this case, it was the outfit that was being critiqued not me. The ‘stylist’ never said anything hurtful about me yet my first reaction was to feel hurt. Choosing not to respond was another thing I was happy about. Although my first instinct was to point out that the picture was 8 or 9 years old – and I would not have styled that outfit the same way now. But who cares??? Right? Also? I cringe when I look back at old posts and photos of mine – what the heck was I thinking??? She could have commented on so many other aspects of that outfit – like my jewelry – but she did not. I have to believe in the good here – she was legitimately using this as a learning tool. Was it effective? Maybe for her audience it was. I also have to remind myself that when I decided to do ‘this’ and share photos on the internet – Pinterest, IG, TT, my blog that I am opening myself up to this type of feedback.

At the end of the day, I do believe it could have been so much worse. The stylist did not offend me – she didn’t say anything was wring with me. She didn’t insult me. When I took a beat to process all of this I realized I was just fine and there was no need to feel attacked or upset..

The reason I am sharing this story with you is not because I want support. I don’t need to hear what was good about the outfit, my account, or my style. My happiness is an inside job. BUT if by sharing my experience can help YOU or someone else than it is totally worth sharing.

I hope the next time you are on the receiving end of constructive criticism that the tips I shared will help you. There are far too many things to feel happy about in life without allowing someone’s comments to hurt or upset us – do you agree?

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How to Handle Constructive Criticism Without Feeling Attacked or Upset