Give a Little, Get a Lot

There seems to be a trend about having the life you want, the one you dream of, and of course making that happen. I am completely on board with that – life IS short and WE are the major contributor to our overall happiness. But I am afraid the message may be confusing. I hope to clear things up a bit today so you can see that you do indeed have to give a little to get the life you want.

I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor since 1997. I do not currently practice as I work in school counseling but I’ll never let my license expire. My Monday posts have a little more of a mental health theme designed to help you think a little differently. While I am certainly not dispensing advice or treatment, I do hope these posts help you. Initially I started blogging as a creative outlet and as a way to empower women in midlife and beyond to dress and feel like the best version of themselves everyday. I have come to realize that a big part of that is how we feel about life circumstances. Hence the reason for these posts!

My fear that we’re all in pursuit of the life we want is rooted in concern that we’re promoting selfishness. If it’s all about me, me, me all the time, what happens to our relationships with other people? What if what they want is different from what we want? Whose want wins?

This pertains to all kinds of relationships but I’m going to talk about marriage today. In fact, I will share how unhappy and frustrated I was not long ago and how I came to a powerful realization. It occurred to me that maybe the way to getting what I want is to give a little of myself to what someone else wants.

Can You Relate?

Here’s my story! My wonderful husband, who has a heart of gold and loves me more than anything, has a side hustle that is very time consuming. It started as an Ebay hobby almost 29 years ago. Actually that’s not really true, it started before that. But once Ebay hit the stage and online selling and buying from the comfort of your own home became a thing, my husband gradually started spending more and more time on his business. He’s been collecting baseball cards since he was a kid and has an amazing collection. HIs parents were into antiques so he grew up buying and selling. I’d jokingly say I was an Ebay widow. I’d also say things like, “if Ebay was around when we met we would never have gotten married.”

To make a long story short, he started buying and selling all kinds of collectible toys and other odds and ends. Scouring estate sales, rummage sales, and garage sales he built up quite the inventory. This is also VERY time consuming. At the same time, it also became very profitable. Unlike my side hustle (THIS – ha!) my husband’s business has been very lucrative. It also takes up quite a bit of space in our home. I found myself becoming very bitter. Bitter because it seemed he’d rather work his business than spend time with me.

I know, it’s hard to believe because you know me in this space. You have certain impressions of me – and you are not wrong, I am who I appear to be, a very real person. But I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I was hurt. So yes, even Licensed Mental Health Counselors have issues!

My hurt surfaced in such ugly, mean ways. An undercurrent of anger laced my interactions with my sweet husband. In retrospect I was looking for a way to get through to him – I needed time and attention (my love language is quality time btw) and I needed him to understand that. Yes, I did tell him but I also told him I didn’t want him to give up his business because I knew how much he enjoyed it. So whose want wins?

Here’s the thing: I wanted a life that included a husband who wanted to spend time with me doing the things I enjoyed. It never occurred to me that maybe my husband wanted a wife that wanted to spend time with him doing the things he enjoyed.

The realization that I had this all wrong finally came to me. If I wanted a life that included a husband who wanted to spend time with me then I needed to look at things a little differently. Maybe we could spend time together doing things we both enjoyed or I could try and do things he wanted to do. It didn’t always have to be what I wanted to do. I would see all these couples on social media and think – that’s what we should be doing! Silly me!

This has taken time. I have had to realize that I can spend time on my own and work on my business. If my husband has plans to set up and sell at a collectibles show on a weekend, I am responsible for filling my weekend with things I want to do. I can go to church on my own, I can make plans with a friend or schedule something I need to do. I don’t have to stay home pouting and letting my hurt fester. I gave a little.

Actually we both have given a little. It seems in the last 5 years or so we have found a balance. Part of that comes from the fact that we both work from home, so yes, we are together 24/7. But we’ve also found things we both enjoy – bingo at our neighborhood Italian restaurant, going to see tribute bands, and of course playing games.

Do You Need to Give a Little

Do you need to give a little to get the life you want? Are you ready to look at things from a different perspective? I needed to stop thinking of me, me, me and had to start thinking we, we, we. Whether it’s a marriage, a friendship, or a relationship with a family member maybe the way to make it better is to give a little while still keeping the life you want in mind. I did not want to be a bitter person in an unhappy marriage. I was the one choosing to feel that way so why not choose to see the good?

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Give a Little, Get a Lot